CSO Fistfight Instigator Revealed!

Who knew concertmasters could moonlight as investigative cultural reporters? But as it turns out, Frank Almond, Milwaukee Symphony concertmaster and author of non divisi, does exactly that and he apparently tracked down the now infamous “younger man” from last week’s Chicago Symphony Orchestra bare knuckled seating brawl and published an exclusive interview with the patron.

Here’s an overview of what we know, thanks to Almond’s article:

  • Said patron, referred to as Johannes Doe, is currently on the lamb.
  • Johannes got roughed up by the CSO bouncers.
  • Apparently, the CSO maintains a BYOB policy where unsold seats can be used for cooler storage.
  • CSO violists text during concerts if they find the music dull.
  • Mark Zuckerberg is apparently a musician.
  • The CSO offers a kick-ass buy one, get lots free martini deal for subscribers.
  • Perhaps a result of budget cuts, CSO security wield mace instead of tasers (like the museum security from The Thomas Crown Affair).
  • The CSO maintains a detention room that also doubles as storage for Fritz Reiner photos (it must be hush-hush as I can’t find it on any venue maps).

 Thanks to Almond for his dogged determination and foresight to loosen Johannes’ tongue with a free pizza. We’ll post any late breaking updates as they become available.

Read Almond’s Full Report*

*in case you’re in a susceptible mood today, it’s all a spoof.

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